Awakened Journey

conscious wellbeing for ourselves & our world

Like everyone else, we are ourselves. There are times when that feels fine, even good, and times like now, when one half-wishes that the ground would open up.

The ‘It’s complicated’ on my page ‘conceals’ a great deal of sadness and pain. 2009 has been some rollercoaster ride. One week all seems fine, the next, it all feels distant, lonely, tense with divorce looming. For various reasons, I cannot turn to my family whom I live hundreds of miles away from anyway. I am surrounded by her family, so she has immediate support, I do not. The loneliness is overpowering. My therapist has been off sick for weeks. His timing could not have been worse. I have one great source of unwavering support, but she has her own life to live and is on the other side of the Atlantic, so cannot be around sometimes, let alone the time zone difference.

And then there is work. My boss has decided that the global economic crisis will hit the company, and his wish has been granted with the extra stress and uncertainty that creates. I have a good CV and 15 years of transferable experience, so should not really worry, but it is the additional uncertainty, you know.

At times like this you find who your friends are. Not only that, those you can count on, well they have their beliefs or own problems etc, and so the support network shrinks. I keep telling myself, it’s ok, this is growth, everything happens for a reason. It is so difficult though. The loneliness is unbearable at the moment. I feel cast adrift, flotsam on the ocean of life. Lets hope I wash up in a tropical paradise.

The issues underlying all of this are not easy to deal with, and it is with great irony that the conclusion I reached 8 months ago, and then bravely/ foolishly? tried to reverse (‘till death us do part’, >17 years together, children etc), well now push comes to shove, and oh, after all, she is now voicing the same conclusions, despite having given contrary reassurance over a period of time. It seems currently that our differences may be insurmountable after all.

This week has been especially difficult. I was doing well, having had a lot of help last week. Throw in 5 days of uncontrollable blood sugar, 5 days of bitter arguments, 5 days without access to any of my support network, and I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of emotional pain. So lonely, so unhappy, clinging on for dear life.

This is my journey, no one else’s, but I could sure do with a hug.

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Comment by Marc {Rainbow's end} on June 30, 2009 at 4:16am
Hi Gary,

That is a very kind offer. What is CMR?

I'm doing quite well physically. After 9 months of sheer hell with it, last week got a medical problem back under control. At least the tired has gone, and there is some energy now to deal with the storm of emotional issues and spiritual flux.

Namaste.
Marc
Comment by Alexa on June 4, 2009 at 10:09am
You are so right rainbowsend that when we go through a big life healing crisis we find out who are friends are and what they are also made of. It is never easy to find those new and improved connections when we are in despair and perhaps that is why it happens that somehow, it is during times as these that we do begin to cultivate a more deep and powerful connection with ourselves. our strength and Divinity. Although you may not be able to see it yet, I trust that more will be revealed, and that no matter how hard and lonely it feels, you are not alone at all but held in a very safe and beloved space for your own growth and evolution. In the meantime, I understand the big challenges you are experiencing with work and relationship. It is hard for me to believe today that just 5 years ago I was at my most confused and darkest lonliness and "falling apart" place ever, and today, it is literally like a new, and totally different lifetime. You will get there too.

In the meantime, I'll put you in the prayer circle. Perhaps the old therapist is not the one to take you to your next level, and another will appear if you keep that door open. New connections will come in, those who really know how and desire to guide you with their wisdom and soul. Keep the faith, dear friend. There is one here who understands, many here I am sure, and I do send you hugs and blessings.

...and I hope that writing here can be yet another source of safe supported space for you to feel connected. You are! BIG HUGS.

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