Like everyone else, we are ourselves. There are times when that feels fine, even good, and times like now, when one half-wishes that the ground would open up.
The ‘It’s complicated’ on my page ‘conceals’ a great deal of sadness and pain. 2009 has been some rollercoaster ride. One week all seems fine, the next, it all feels distant, lonely, tense with divorce looming. For various reasons, I cannot turn to my family whom I live hundreds of miles away from anyway. I am surrounded by her family, so she has immediate support, I do not. The loneliness is overpowering. My therapist has been off sick for weeks. His timing could not have been worse. I have one great source of unwavering support, but she has her own life to live and is on the other side of the Atlantic, so cannot be around sometimes, let alone the time zone difference.
And then there is work. My boss has decided that the global economic crisis will hit the company, and his wish has been granted with the extra stress and uncertainty that creates. I have a good CV and 15 years of transferable experience, so should not really worry, but it is the additional uncertainty, you know.
At times like this you find who your friends are. Not only that, those you can count on, well they have their beliefs or own problems etc, and so the support network shrinks. I keep telling myself, it’s ok, this is growth, everything happens for a reason. It is so difficult though. The loneliness is unbearable at the moment. I feel cast adrift, flotsam on the ocean of life. Lets hope I wash up in a tropical paradise.
The issues underlying all of this are not easy to deal with, and it is with great irony that the conclusion I reached 8 months ago, and then bravely/ foolishly? tried to reverse (‘till death us do part’, >17 years together, children etc), well now push comes to shove, and oh, after all, she is now voicing the same conclusions, despite having given contrary reassurance over a period of time. It seems currently that our differences may be insurmountable after all.
This week has been especially difficult. I was doing well, having had a lot of help last week. Throw in 5 days of uncontrollable blood sugar, 5 days of bitter arguments, 5 days without access to any of my support network, and I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of emotional pain. So lonely, so unhappy, clinging on for dear life.
This is my journey, no one else’s, but I could sure do with a hug.