Yes, it’s been a long road, getting from there to here and it’s been a tiring walk at times which has caused me to stop and rest awhile along the way. Some of the rest stops have lingered too long and the memories of harsher times float past begging me to emotionally participate once again.
As I decide to not give in to downhill days, I lift myself up and resume position.
I sing and dance when not in the rest stop area and tell myself that I am healed, I have control, and I have forgiveness and play with butterflies.
Then for no apparent reason, I awake one morning to find the walls have come crashing in and I stumble and fall as I make my way across the room to try and survey the chaos.
Now what? My mind is in disarray, trying to make some kind of sense out of the darkness that has fallen over my mind.
Who can I blame for surely it is not me?
So I take out my unhappiness on those around me. I know with each word of rebuttal to another, that this is not their fault, that the way I am feeling is not their curse upon me, that the hate I am feeling for self is not theirs to now suffer my tongue lashing and yet, I can not bring myself to stop.
Infact it is even more confusing for them as in mid stream of saying something spiteful I realise and so soften with love and forgiveness only to end the sentence in hurt and neither of us knowing what is going on.
I don’t know what is going on in my head. I don’t know how to gain control. I throw motive after motive into the ring and knowing that none of those causes are the cause.
So what now, I feel like I am always giving or holding someone up and yet there is no one there holding me up. Which of cause, is not even the truth.
Maybe I should hide away for a time and rock back forth and find my inner child, will she know any answers?
Another day tomorrow