Offering Bowl ~ A general stream of consciousness about me

I'm a passionate creative leo who loves the new mexican high desert sun, Mother Earth, animals, teaching, creativity, adventure, travel, freedom, inspiring and being inspired, healing hearts and the healing arts (I'm a former inde feature and social issue film coordinator & 2nd AD, and a community documentary video/film director/producer/santa fe community college Media Arts Instructor and mentor to adult students and at-risk teens who experienced 5 years of shamanic and conscious Awakening while recovering from a traumatic life event and studying under a mexican nagual shaman). I love building nourishing nurturing inspirational soulful community and coming together with all types of awakening people and souls. I also love being an advocate and soulwhiperer to animals and have a special love and connection to swimming with wild free ocean dolphins. I began meditating (and teaching meditation to young friends) and recalled buddhist teachings and past lives by the age of 8, and as an adult have studied spiritually in depth for 3 decades including completing a 13-year study and apprenticeship in the Toltec Eagle Knight lineage of don Miguel Ruiz author of the Four Agreements. My greatest teacher however (along with my local toltec circle and mentor and an amazing woman named Dorianna Shrader who helped and guided me for years) was travelling through my own deep inner healing & life recovery process which had been the missing link on my spiritual path for many years and the catalyst that led to my greatest learning, personal experience, and coming to know and own my own life and emotionally recovering sensitive soul. My recovery was initiated by a complex iatrogenic neurological injury and a trauma trigger that occurred simultaneously during an acute health crisis. 

A bit about my emotional recovery and history

As a sensitive growing up in a dysfunctional family and world, the world I grew up in did not make sense to me. Human behavior did not make sense to me. And it hurt and frightened me alot. Just before turning 40, a trauma trigger followed by the serious healing crisis I mentioned above led me through an intensive period of personal recovery. I was pretty much on-schedule age wise from what I learned. From this place of being broken down with no ego or programming telling me to "hide those feelings" (the m.o. in my stoic German-American life), my life took on an incredible new direction. 

I found myself surrounded by extraordinary people who had become great teachers and guides during their own life healing processes, found validation in my emotional life experience for the first time, and got in touch with the many aspects, commonalities and gifts of life recovery. I love and think of the word "Recovery" as Recovering the Truth of Who We Are, on many levels. And I know first-hand that feeling and recovering from our deepest domesticated beliefs, life traumas and wounding can bring us to our greatest and only authentic perfectly imperfect Wholeness (our Holy-ness).

It was the beginning of my road to authentic self empowerment, a healing that went deeper than I had known I needed to go, and the greatest learning and work of my life.

I wrote this during that time: We are each in recovery from the dream of the planet. Our conditioning. The shocks we experienced in an unconscious world. And being separated from who we truly are. Until we reach enlightenment, we are still in recovery, we are each still healing. We are still waking up. But we ARE waking up. To a new life, a new way of being, a new dream. ...


I also saw that what most of us are recovering from on this planet is a broken heart. But we are recovering.


During this time I learned and experienced that enlightenment (with either a big or little "E") is not about going up and over, but rather about going down, deep, into our authentic human soil and soiledness and muddy roots, where the real transformation and the alchemy and the breakthroughs and healing can occur. We need to go there to see and feel and find ourselves, and all our lost and shadow parts, to see and know and love and restore and care for the precious child within, and to learn to re-nurture, re-parent and consciously love our little selves back home to safety, and to clean and re-wire our beliefs, circuitry, bodies, emotions, traumas, and/or whatever affected and programmed us early emotionally-physiologically-neurologically, or sometimes later, in our lives.

Once we have recovered our past and restored safety, trust and wisdom (awareness) of our higher adult selves to take over the care of our inner little boy or girl, we are free to move ahead and into our Wholeness. With recovery as our foundation and practice, we become liberated at long last into the potential of experiencing an ever-expanding now. And into the potential full realization of Who We Truly Are. One tiny step and humble day and even one small moment at a time.

Recovery is the path of the warrior. Not a quick fix, but an authentic life journey to be opened into, savored, and honored. These deep pathways have taken lifetimes to unfold. And I have the most respect of all to those who walk the Recovery path. Recovery can and maybe even shall save the world. I see all of our global and planetary human issues now as recovery issues. From this vantage point, it is all about recovery. The need and call for peace and wellbeing. On every level. But this is my passion and tangent.


Today I am grateful for my powerful healing experience. Eckhart Tolle says that sometimes our ego-identification is so strong we need a strong experience to break us through. I had been so confused and misidentified by my overwhelmingly dysfunctional and toxic family system that perhaps I needed a "strong medicine" to break free from it all. Knowing that our greatest challenge can become the gateway to our greatest awakening and gift.

Today knowing myself feels good. And on a practical level, so does living with healthy boundaries.

Today I am excited about the expansive direction that is unfolding in my life. I still have chronic health issues to contend with but I feel otherwise present, guided, happy, strong and free. I have come a long way with my return to wellness on many levels, and I hope and intend to unfold the restoration of further balance as we move into the next world cycle and to be able to honor and sustain the realized state I also experienced sometime perhaps later in this lifetime. In the meantime I take everything in strides, do my best, accept my imperfections and my gifts, and live my life in gratitude for each day, one day and sometimes (when I'm lucky) one present moment at at time.

I am currently enjoying a feminine-based buddhist/shamanic spiritual life; and my intention is to continue to heal and physically recover so I can move forward and serve in whatever capacity Divine (Mother) Source (as I define True Source) would have me now en~joy. It is as always, a work in progress.

I'm thrilled to be the founder of Awakened Journey, Awakened Recovery. Welcome to this cocreative and consciously held space for self-transformation, awakening and whole-istic exploration and living. 
awakenedjourney / awakenedrecovery is an evolving cocreative space ~ 

as we grow and evolve so too shall this site

9. 28. 2008 

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 May we be at peace
May our hearts stay open
May we remember the light of our own true nature
May we and all beings be completely healed

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