In a week or so's time, I am scheduled to visit my family. We have not seen each other in about a year. They live 450 miles away, me having gone to Uni aged 18 to get/ run away from the town I was born in. There was more to it than that, Edinburgh was the best place to go for the course I did and was great fun to boot. Anyway.

My parents know full well 2009 hasn't exactly gone to plan, me having come so close to losing everything, or in their eyes 'throwing it all away'. They will want to know what has been going on, naturally. So how much do I say? The difficulty is, I can just about guarantee they will blame themselves, judge, react and generally get upset. One issue was bought to one of their knowledge earlier this year, and they blamed themselves and also intimated revenge against the guilty party. My other parent has been unwell for the last 10 months; so how much to confide in them?

I would welcome anyones experience of confronting their past and their parents directly.

Thanks,
Marc

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Comment by Alexa on July 15, 2009 at 3:29pm
and with significant others, you are both growing and feeling (and healing) so much. as you honor her and yourself, I believe things will get more harmonious. She may need reassuance too, that she is not losing you to a higher power. best blessings to you both.
Comment by Alexa on July 15, 2009 at 3:26pm
marc, I left you a message already, but had one more thought.

Remember that the "other" (especially our family members, I mean, we chose them before we came, right?), the other is our teacher. They give us these opportunities to grow and stay in our own Truth and Power.

You have such big energy. Get used to it! To being and staying in your Truth. and with love of course. Way to go!!
Comment by Marc {Rainbow's end} on July 15, 2009 at 9:11am
Thats a super book.

My being 'true' with my sister last night, led to my significant other responding negatively - the fact that I caught a number of 'fibs' - was regarded as being harsh, rather than honest or open. My point - take a relationship, one 'awake' and seeking to be free of drama etc, the other, far less inclined, indeed resistant to that change. I wonder if anyone here can speak on this and provide some wisdom? I would be very grateful.

Namaste
Marc
Comment by Alexa on July 15, 2009 at 8:56am
don Miguel Ruiz (author of the 4 Agreements) puts it in a great way: "I am not responsbile for your reaction to my reality."

We cannot stop "them" from taking it personally. or having whatever reaction they will have. we can only be true to ourselves. this is a great part of our healing.

namaste
Comment by Marc {Rainbow's end} on July 15, 2009 at 8:47am
Alexa, I've sent you a note explaining more fully. Thank you :)

More questions: how do we balance or rather communicate our need to remain private without that being taken personally, and if being drawn in does happen, and the drama is seen but we refuse to play along, how can this be done tactfully, without appearing condescending, arrogant or snooty?

Namaste.
Marc
Comment by Alexa on July 14, 2009 at 12:09pm
oh boy, Marc, this is I think THE most challenging part of healing/recovery....dealing w/our families.
ok. here are my thoughts.

The first is remembering what Eckhart Tolle says.... the painbody LOVEs family gatherings! lol (and btw, that "throwing it all away" comment, rather than having a supportive nurturing one during a difficult and life changing time, sounds like something my own family would say. Ouch. How 'bout a new one to carry in your heart instead: write one out, 50 times, like, "I TOTALLY commend you on making it through such a difficult time on so many levels. You are so courageous and strong in your healing process, and it will get better. I can see here how much you have been handling, and you are amazing, and you stay positive and aware, and I honor the way you are still handling going to work and getting through this time of deep clearing and processessing all that difficult stuff. You ARE amazing. Truly.)

OK. My next thought is. Are you ready to say nothing basically? To basically remain in close connect w/your Higher Self/Conscious self? It has taken me a llllong time to get here myself, and I am just moving into this phase fully myself: but I finally "got it" that my family will always say something reactive, hurtful and drama-driven, rather than nurturing, understanding, and focused on supporting me, and further, at least in my case, they will never acknowledge or understand how traumatic things were for me, so I leave the "healing topics" and even my authentic experiences to myself, and keep discussions w/them to something totally else.

Like, if they say, how's it going with ______, you can just say, "you know it's hard. but I'm moving thru it ok." and leave it at that. My hubby has been doing that w/his parents for years, and now I really see why. It also keeps our own pain bodies in check and out of the way. Remember, you are responsible for your pain body. It can be challenging if you are longing for connection with them, but you can prepare/practice for it. you can anticipate how they will be. and practice staying in your power/consciousness/truth. and release any of your (naturally) reactive energy prior. tell your "inner child" that you are there, and you understand, and he can feel whatever he wants, you allow and understand those feelings. However, also, that you are going to protect him. by doing your best to keep certain things at bay with your parents who do not/cannot understand. make sense? that's my main thought.

The concept is simple. It's simple though not easy at first, I think it's still pretty hard when you are still processing so much. But
Keep the confiding, and even the authentic need for support, nurture, etc., for people who are also conscious. But let your folks do what they do do well. Like, if your mom cooks, that may be a way she can be nurturing, just let her cook for you. Focus on things like that.

And remember, it and you won't be perfect. That's ok too. Expect some "moments" and let that be ok, too. B/c really, it is.

You can email me further on this if you'd like. I so get this, and I sooooooo support you!
- alexa, a friend who has been there

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