Wow, the universe has given me another wake-up call.
I received a channelled message from a site I subscribe to where I was told I had in the past had control issues. One of my boys had said the same thing. Then I read Alun JOnes blog and all of a sudden it became clear.
Yes, I did try to control situations, I refused to ask for help when caring for my sick husband because well, if I was in control then things would be done right and also because it kept my mind busy. I don't want my loved ones to hurt in anyway so I try to control what happens in their lives. I don't want them to feel the pain I did. I never asked for help, it was my cross I had to bear and no-one else was invited to the party. I lost my control when I had the heart attack and was lying in a hospital bed hundreds of klms away from home with no family or friends around. I was going to die and I couldn't control it, I couldn't control what the docs were going to do to me. I had an out of body experience during the operation - trying to control the situation again, making sure sure the surgeons were doing things right, I was told that the docs had it all under control and they knew what they were doing and i was told to go back.
After the op I realised there was no way I was going to recover from this on my own, I needed to ask for help. But the universe, family and friends had all ganged up on me and arranged a roster of people to help me out. So all I had to do was just lie back and accept it. Which I did with grateful thanks. I sat on the urge to say 'thats not how I do it' and when I attempted to oversee a cleaning task I was promptly sent back to my sofa with a cup of tea and a book. Nearly two years later I'm sort of slipping back into wanting to control what happens in family and friends lives, but only cos I care and love them. I know now to step back and let them make their own mistakes but I will always be there for them. I have to laugh because my sons do things without my advice and when things go wrong I never get told, when I do find out eventually and ask them why they never said anything they say "well mum you would have told us to do it a different way, you would have controled it and we just hate it when you say I TOLD YOU SO, IF YOU HAD DONE IT MY WAY...........
Its so hard standing back, keeping my mouth and thoughts to myself. I'm learning to forget about it, let it go, occupy my life with other things.
The angels, my cards, channelled messages - all telling me to just let things happen, to stop trying so hard, the things I need will come to me but first i have to let go off that need to control the whys and wherefores and the hows.