Last week I was all fired up, energy high and I was ready for the off. Then I doubted myself. A friend has roped me in to start a small business up, this is a new friend and the old fears of trust crept back in. Being let down, letting them down. Doing something i don't really feel comfortable with because I don't want to let them down. Going against my truth. Could I use my health as an excuse not to do something, whoa that thought has gone quickly out of the window, my health is good, I feel fine.
I lie awake at night, every twinge and ache sets me off wondering if i will wake in the morning. That thought - gone. Don't want that thought around. I tap it all out frantically. Why am i self-sabataging again. I know my work is good, I know it sells. I know that if it fails and things do go wrong with my friend I am strong enough to be able to pick myself up and start again, I know that I will have learnt from it, I know that my passion for my craft has been fired up again, I know that I am a little further down my path and can go anywhere I want.
So............why do I fear, why do I worry. Why am I angry at myself, why am I doubting myself, why do I feel I am not good enough, why do I feel like the underdog again, why the feeling of being judged.
Why am I allowing the negative feelings of a close family member affect me again, why is his anger my problem. I yelled and swore at him yesterday, I lost my composure unable to keep my cool and let it go. I didn't feel ashamed as I would have done in the past, i blessed him and my anger and let it go. But I shouldn't have 'lost it' in the first place.
I look at what I have just written, I know through my own hard work I have got quite a way down my healing path, the old me would have used every excuse in the book to get out of something. This new me is weighing everything up, the pro's and cons etc. I know now why I do and say things so I can deal with it. I know to let some things ride for a while and I know letting go of thoughts and fears and giving them up to the universe does help. Things become clearer, I know not to make myself ill with worry over something that might not even happen. But i also know I cannot go this alone, that I DO NEED OTHERS, I have to let people in.
So I am going to blog it all out, by writing everything down as it comes into my mind I sometimes find my answers, it also helps me see how far i have come and the areas I have to work on.


PS: I wish I had a basement like Alexa - I really need to smash some things up and throw things around. I had a friend who used to save all her old glass milk bottles up and then go out and throw them against an outside wall, when I heard them smashing I knew she needed a shoulder so when the noise stopped I would be there with the coffee and chocolate.

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Comment by Alexa on April 25, 2009 at 9:06am
hi jan. I also had a friend who did the throwing glass thing. She recommended it to me once too, but I didn't know where I could go where the broken glass wouldn't be a problem. Angelina Jolie once said in an interview she had a velcro wall to throw things at. Whatever (is safe) that works.

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