I have been in so much pain the past few days. Something is wrong with my upper back, the docs don't know what is causing it, its not a typical back pain and its not in an area where they can say its a disc problem. It started as a dull ache occassionally just after my by-pass surgery, 20 months later it has developed overnight into a pain thats feels like red hot pokers beeing pushed through my back, it feels like something snapped. Had x-rays and blood tests this morning so hopefully the doc can tell me something tomorrow. Luckily the heavy duty painkillers are doing their job. I tried EFT'ing and being positive but couldn't get in the right frame of mind. I had the Fasting Glucose Tolerance test and it doesn't look good, I couldn't see my own doc yesterday so had to see her hubby instead and he wouldn't tell me the results, he just frowned and moved his computer screen so I couldn't read what was on my notes. But the fact that she actually phoned me up and said she needed to see me has got me worried.
I am just getting so p'd off with myself for allowing all this illness in. Did I attract it, is it all the badness coming out of me after all the hard work on my spirituality and inner being. I never used to get ill. Have all these illnesses been waiting in line for a weak moment where they can pounce.
I was happy with my life, I'd got to a stage where I could relax a bit. True, I have not been spending as much time on meditation and working through things - did I leave my guard down. Another theory is that I have always been too busy to be ill - wife, mother and carer - I couldn't be sick while all these people depended on me. Now I have all this me time, time to be me and do the things I want to and I get hit with all this.
There was a humerous side to all of this - the doc reminds me of a big kid, he gets very flustered as well. I had a fit of the giggles because he couldn't do up my underwear after he had examined my back, i couldn't do it because of the pain it caused, trust me to wear my oldest and daggiest underwear, the one with the broken clasp. Then this morning having the x-rays the technician forgot to put the plates in the machine, not once did he do it but twice and then when he did put it in he put it in backwards.
I picked up Louise L Hays - You Can heal your Life at a second hand book store, I already have the work book so I might just give that a go. I also have Shakti Gawains book and a couple more healing your life type books, perhaps I should re-immerse myself in all of this positivity . Though the way I am feeling its like I should just give up now. If I could lift my leg that high without causing damage to my back I would give myself a swift kick up the behind.