I had written a new blog post after Alexa had sent me a lovely message a few weeks ago. Obviously I did not hit submit.

Healthwise I am doing good, I could do with a bit more energy though. I am in a catch 22. I need to lose weight. If I lose wait the diabetes will get better. Can't lose weight cos the diabetes causes me to be tired all the time, no energy. Find it hard to exercise. Made a deal with the diabetes educator that I will lose 2 kgs a month. Not a lot but do-able. As usual I am leaving it thill the last minute - How do I lose 2 kgs by the 9th Sept. If I had the energy I'd be walking round the lake. I'm eating healthy, no probs there.
Emotionally - well heres where I come unstuck. Things are starting to breakdown around the home, sinks leakings, floorboards needs replacing, dead cat under the house in an unaccessible place (and we are having unseasonably very hot weather for winter), all the usual things that go wrong when you own a home. I've spent a lot of the past two weeks breaking down in tears for no reason. Things are just getting on top of me. I can't afford to pay a tradesman to come in and my sons all have their own lives and some things are beyond them anyways. I got so angry at Mik. I'd previously had messages that he was going to put someone in my path that could help me, that he would see me right. Is it because I doubt to much that it has not happened yet after nearly three years. Or am I seemingly coping so well with everything that the universe thinks its not needed. Financially I am at rock-bottom, scrabbling round under the car seats, down the sides of sofa's and counting out all the 5 cent pieces in the cookie jar so I can find enough money for food. THats sound bad I know, but I have a roof over my head and friends I can turn to and I go without so I can get the bills paid. Is it because I accept this way of life - just getting by, just coping, kidding myself I am happy living like this, that I cannot seem to move forward.
I am answering my own questions here I know. Perhaps I should start getting mad, getting fired up, where has my motivation gone.

One good thing that has happened is that I took a chance last week. I got together all my old projects and some new ones and photographed them, edited them and sent them off to a magazine I used to design craft projects for. Since Mik died I stopped submitting and have had very little interest in doing so. Theres been a new editor so I was unsure of what she was looking for but she seemed really interested and gave me the schedule for the next 9 months. She also said that a few of the other editors of different craft mags were interested as well.
Lets hope that this is going to give me the incentive I need to finally move forward and get somewhere with my life. I know I am not the person I was three years ago but sometimes the fear of not being good-enough comes creeping back, I feel its icy fingers trying to take hold. It gets so hard not to just go with the feeling and allow the old me to come back. Put everything in the too hard box and just give up. I have been around a few negative people recently, they are talking the talk but are definately not walking the walk and I can feel myself slipping into the old self pity mode to join them.

Jeepers, don't I go on. Lets hope I hit the publish post button this time. At least I have got things out into the open, I hadn't realised that was just how I was feeling. Certainly helped by getting it all out there. I might even go for a walk by the lake before the sun burns the mist off and it gets too hot.


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