Searcher's Posts - Awakened Journey2024-03-29T10:47:36Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcherhttp://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/97717289?profile=original&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=1murkybksbtr7&xn_auth=noits in the posttag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-09-21:2344239:BlogPost:272432009-09-21T22:10:43.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Finally, my submission for the craft magazine is all finished. It feels so good to get it finally on its way. Soo good to be finally back doing something that I love. I slipped very easily back into creating something from start to finish, enjoyed thoroughly the feel of threads and fabric in my fingers, the excitement of watching each component of the design come to life, the losing myself in the gentle too-ing and fro-ing of the needle, the sitting down at the computer and writing out all the…
Finally, my submission for the craft magazine is all finished. It feels so good to get it finally on its way. Soo good to be finally back doing something that I love. I slipped very easily back into creating something from start to finish, enjoyed thoroughly the feel of threads and fabric in my fingers, the excitement of watching each component of the design come to life, the losing myself in the gentle too-ing and fro-ing of the needle, the sitting down at the computer and writing out all the instructions, sitting at the desk drawing out the pattern, it just felt soo damm good. Then there was the packaging of it and seeing the very helpful and friendly postal worker carefully wrap it for me. The moment the address label was stuck on and it was ready for its next journey was like seeing a child off on its travels, all wrapped up, provided with everything it needs and then sending it out into the big wide world. Now it is on its way and I feel the excitement building as I wait patiently for it to get to its destination, the worry over whether the editor will like it (she was very enthusiastic over the photo). Its all part of my healing, all part of getting something back that I had thought was lost to me. The excitement, getting fired up, its all been something lacking for a while, my get up and go that got up and left has finally got up and returned to me. I have a feeling of something big, something good, something that is going to knock my socks off. I have had glimpses of this in the past, it was fleeting, but now I feel that this feeling is here to stay, it has become a habit, second nature rather than the constant feeling of why me and surely there is something better than this, yelling out at the universe - come on, do something.<br />
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I have new energy today, very positive. Is this all part of the new energy shift? Am I too 'high'. I awoke bright and early and instead of trying to get back to bed for just 30 more minutes I dressed and faced the day with new eyes. How long will this renewed energy last for - do I take advantage and rush around doing things just in case I'm going to crash and burn later. No, I will just go with the flow, gently let this new course take me where it will, no fighting it, accepting the few potholes along the way.<br />
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I want to spend the day creating something or I can completely guilt free, just sit and do absolutely nothing. It is soooooo wonderful to just be me, no trying to please others just for the sake of an easy quiet life.<br />
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JanExpiredtag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-09-21:2344239:BlogPost:272312009-09-21T09:01:16.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Today a strange thing happened. I was up the mountain visiting a friend and decided to visit the library there and since all our shires have amalgamated you can use any library you like as its all computerised. Its in the lovely old school of arts building and has real atmosphere so I thought I would visit and see what they had. I chose my books and went to the desk to check my books out. The librarian swiped my card. Then she said "Oh, you have expired", she didn't say my card needed renewing,…
Today a strange thing happened. I was up the mountain visiting a friend and decided to visit the library there and since all our shires have amalgamated you can use any library you like as its all computerised. Its in the lovely old school of arts building and has real atmosphere so I thought I would visit and see what they had. I chose my books and went to the desk to check my books out. The librarian swiped my card. Then she said "Oh, you have expired", she didn't say my card needed renewing, she said expired. Then she said apparently you have to renew membership every two years so technically I have expired. Now it is almost two years to the day that I did very nearly expire when I had my first heart attack. She swiped the card again and everything was okay my account had been reactivated. The librarian thought it was really spooky, since the new cards and memberships were only handed out a few months ago.<br />
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Its funny because i was told by others that had had a bypass that it would be two years before my body was back to normal and despite the hiccup with the diabetes I am feeling really good now. I actually feel like its a new day, a new life.<br />
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Jantoday ........tag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-09-19:2344239:BlogPost:271822009-09-19T04:38:56.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Today I feel strangely at peace with the world. I was going to try and please all people today, go to a garden show with a friend, go and help out in a friends shop, accept an invite out, I have to do this, I have to do that, I have to go there or here. so many things I needed to get done today.........<br />
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But then I thought, NO, i don't have to do any of these things. So I spent an enjoyable few hours pottering in my craft room working on a new design, I tidied up after myself and then thought…
Today I feel strangely at peace with the world. I was going to try and please all people today, go to a garden show with a friend, go and help out in a friends shop, accept an invite out, I have to do this, I have to do that, I have to go there or here. so many things I needed to get done today.........<br />
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But then I thought, NO, i don't have to do any of these things. So I spent an enjoyable few hours pottering in my craft room working on a new design, I tidied up after myself and then thought I'd spend an hour on the puter. I've been in the garden, I've done a crossword, I've sat down with a friend and had coffee.<br />
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Thanks to Alun's post again (thanks Alun you're my hero) I am nurturing myself today. I had oatbrits (like weetabix) with banana for my lunch (because I can) and rather than think how boring life is because I can't settle to anything, I'm going to think how lucky I am to have the time to do anything I want, when I want.<br />
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The 2kg weight gain (after weeks of extra walking and a good diet) is all muscle. I know I have to keep track of what I eat because it is so easy for my diabetes to go out of control and if I keep the blood sugars down then I can stay off the meds. I'm not dwelling on it and I am positive that things will settle down soon.<br />
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So today there is no guilt over doing nothing, there is no thing that needs to be done today, everything will be done in my time and at my pace. No one thing will worry me today. Shortly I will gather up the things needed to make a beef casserole, I will take pleasure in preparing the meal for dinner and if my son doesn't turn up on time then it will all go in the freezer and I won't have to worry about next weeks meals. Its no biggie.<br />
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JanAug 27thtag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-08-27:2344239:BlogPost:260412009-08-27T05:25:13.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Today I had to see a pyschologist to see if I was ready to go out into the real world and get a job. I was doing fine until she asked "How are you mentally, how are you really doing" I really was fine, but the floodgates opened and no I was not fine. In her opinion I am not quite ready. This damm diabetes on top of everything else. I was in control (theres that control issue again) until it reared its ugly head.<br />
Well I'm off for a spot of retail therapy tonight - late-night shopping, only in my…
Today I had to see a pyschologist to see if I was ready to go out into the real world and get a job. I was doing fine until she asked "How are you mentally, how are you really doing" I really was fine, but the floodgates opened and no I was not fine. In her opinion I am not quite ready. This damm diabetes on top of everything else. I was in control (theres that control issue again) until it reared its ugly head.<br />
Well I'm off for a spot of retail therapy tonight - late-night shopping, only in my case it will be late night browsing. I need to get my act together and stop making excuses and get into that craft room.<br />
I was told I had a fear of success, how can anyone be afraid of actually 'making it'. I suppose its rejection or maybe actually having to knuckle down and work.<br />
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Jancontrol issuestag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-08-25:2344239:BlogPost:260042009-08-25T22:00:00.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Wow, the universe has given me another wake-up call.<br />
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I received a channelled message from a site I subscribe to where I was told I had in the past had control issues. One of my boys had said the same thing. Then I read Alun JOnes blog and all of a sudden it became clear.<br />
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Yes, I did try to control situations, I refused to ask for help when caring for my sick husband because well, if I was in control then things would be done right and also because it kept my mind busy. I don't want my loved…
Wow, the universe has given me another wake-up call.<br />
<br />
I received a channelled message from a site I subscribe to where I was told I had in the past had control issues. One of my boys had said the same thing. Then I read Alun JOnes blog and all of a sudden it became clear.<br />
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Yes, I did try to control situations, I refused to ask for help when caring for my sick husband because well, if I was in control then things would be done right and also because it kept my mind busy. I don't want my loved ones to hurt in anyway so I try to control what happens in their lives. I don't want them to feel the pain I did. I never asked for help, it was my cross I had to bear and no-one else was invited to the party. I lost my control when I had the heart attack and was lying in a hospital bed hundreds of klms away from home with no family or friends around. I was going to die and I couldn't control it, I couldn't control what the docs were going to do to me. I had an out of body experience during the operation - trying to control the situation again, making sure sure the surgeons were doing things right, I was told that the docs had it all under control and they knew what they were doing and i was told to go back.<br />
After the op I realised there was no way I was going to recover from this on my own, I needed to ask for help. But the universe, family and friends had all ganged up on me and arranged a roster of people to help me out. So all I had to do was just lie back and accept it. Which I did with grateful thanks. I sat on the urge to say 'thats not how I do it' and when I attempted to oversee a cleaning task I was promptly sent back to my sofa with a cup of tea and a book. Nearly two years later I'm sort of slipping back into wanting to control what happens in family and friends lives, but only cos I care and love them. I know now to step back and let them make their own mistakes but I will always be there for them. I have to laugh because my sons do things without my advice and when things go wrong I never get told, when I do find out eventually and ask them why they never said anything they say "well mum you would have told us to do it a different way, you would have controled it and we just hate it when you say I TOLD YOU SO, IF YOU HAD DONE IT MY WAY...........<br />
Its so hard standing back, keeping my mouth and thoughts to myself. I'm learning to forget about it, let it go, occupy my life with other things.<br />
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The angels, my cards, channelled messages - all telling me to just let things happen, to stop trying so hard, the things I need will come to me but first i have to let go off that need to control the whys and wherefores and the hows.<br />
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JanOOpstag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-08-24:2344239:BlogPost:259422009-08-24T21:41:54.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
I had written a new blog post after Alexa had sent me a lovely message a few weeks ago. Obviously I did not hit submit.<br />
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Healthwise I am doing good, I could do with a bit more energy though. I am in a catch 22. I need to lose weight. If I lose wait the diabetes will get better. Can't lose weight cos the diabetes causes me to be tired all the time, no energy. Find it hard to exercise. Made a deal with the diabetes educator that I will lose 2 kgs a month. Not a lot but do-able. As usual I am…
I had written a new blog post after Alexa had sent me a lovely message a few weeks ago. Obviously I did not hit submit.<br />
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Healthwise I am doing good, I could do with a bit more energy though. I am in a catch 22. I need to lose weight. If I lose wait the diabetes will get better. Can't lose weight cos the diabetes causes me to be tired all the time, no energy. Find it hard to exercise. Made a deal with the diabetes educator that I will lose 2 kgs a month. Not a lot but do-able. As usual I am leaving it thill the last minute - How do I lose 2 kgs by the 9th Sept. If I had the energy I'd be walking round the lake. I'm eating healthy, no probs there.<br />
Emotionally - well heres where I come unstuck. Things are starting to breakdown around the home, sinks leakings, floorboards needs replacing, dead cat under the house in an unaccessible place (and we are having unseasonably very hot weather for winter), all the usual things that go wrong when you own a home. I've spent a lot of the past two weeks breaking down in tears for no reason. Things are just getting on top of me. I can't afford to pay a tradesman to come in and my sons all have their own lives and some things are beyond them anyways. I got so angry at Mik. I'd previously had messages that he was going to put someone in my path that could help me, that he would see me right. Is it because I doubt to much that it has not happened yet after nearly three years. Or am I seemingly coping so well with everything that the universe thinks its not needed. Financially I am at rock-bottom, scrabbling round under the car seats, down the sides of sofa's and counting out all the 5 cent pieces in the cookie jar so I can find enough money for food. THats sound bad I know, but I have a roof over my head and friends I can turn to and I go without so I can get the bills paid. Is it because I accept this way of life - just getting by, just coping, kidding myself I am happy living like this, that I cannot seem to move forward.<br />
I am answering my own questions here I know. Perhaps I should start getting mad, getting fired up, where has my motivation gone.<br />
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One good thing that has happened is that I took a chance last week. I got together all my old projects and some new ones and photographed them, edited them and sent them off to a magazine I used to design craft projects for. Since Mik died I stopped submitting and have had very little interest in doing so. Theres been a new editor so I was unsure of what she was looking for but she seemed really interested and gave me the schedule for the next 9 months. She also said that a few of the other editors of different craft mags were interested as well.<br />
Lets hope that this is going to give me the incentive I need to finally move forward and get somewhere with my life. I know I am not the person I was three years ago but sometimes the fear of not being good-enough comes creeping back, I feel its icy fingers trying to take hold. It gets so hard not to just go with the feeling and allow the old me to come back. Put everything in the too hard box and just give up. I have been around a few negative people recently, they are talking the talk but are definately not walking the walk and I can feel myself slipping into the old self pity mode to join them.<br />
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Jeepers, don't I go on. Lets hope I hit the publish post button this time. At least I have got things out into the open, I hadn't realised that was just how I was feeling. Certainly helped by getting it all out there. I might even go for a walk by the lake before the sun burns the mist off and it gets too hot.<br />
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JanBLOGGING IT OUT - Surrounded by brickstag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-06-02:2344239:BlogPost:218352009-06-02T02:55:42.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Okay, so I am diabetic, no biggie. It explains a lot. The heart palpitations and the light headedness and the spaced out feeling weren't my heart - just a hypo attack. Thats a big relief. Must remember to always eat brekkie and to carry some jelly beans around with me (thats no hardship LOL). Now I have to devise an eating plan for controling a)losing weight, b)blood pressure, c)high cholestrol, d) diabetes, e)heart health.<br />
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My diet is quite good at the moment but there are a few conflicting…
Okay, so I am diabetic, no biggie. It explains a lot. The heart palpitations and the light headedness and the spaced out feeling weren't my heart - just a hypo attack. Thats a big relief. Must remember to always eat brekkie and to carry some jelly beans around with me (thats no hardship LOL). Now I have to devise an eating plan for controling a)losing weight, b)blood pressure, c)high cholestrol, d) diabetes, e)heart health.<br />
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My diet is quite good at the moment but there are a few conflicting foods I need to find out about.<br />
I need to exercise more I know. Despite walking everyday the weight does not seem to be shifting.<br />
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How do I feel - well, firstly relieved. Its something I can control and at this stage I need no medication for it which is great because I already take quite a few tablets a day for my heart health and its bad enough trying to remember to take them all at the right times. Secondly - it has been named, now it can be dealt with and then I can move forward again.<br />
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I'm sat here on this big pile of bricks - there is the saying "If life hands you lemons - make lemonade', my new saying is "if Life blocks you with a Brick Wall - smash it down and use the bricks as stepping stones to a new way" Each of those bricks represent a problem overcome.<br />
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JanBLOGGING IT OUT - I smashed that dam brick walltag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-05-29:2344239:BlogPost:216862009-05-29T07:41:08.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Things are not as bad today, the pain killers worked wonders. Though I am not to keen being on them. I didn't take last nights one and woke early this morning with just the slightest twinge.<br />
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Thanks Alexa for your words.<br />
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The doc says I have slight athritis (? spelling) and a bit of muscle soreness and disc damage but nothing major and nothing to worry about just something I am going to have to watch - no heavy lifting and twisting at the same time. Lets hope on monday the other doc is going to…
Things are not as bad today, the pain killers worked wonders. Though I am not to keen being on them. I didn't take last nights one and woke early this morning with just the slightest twinge.<br />
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Thanks Alexa for your words.<br />
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The doc says I have slight athritis (? spelling) and a bit of muscle soreness and disc damage but nothing major and nothing to worry about just something I am going to have to watch - no heavy lifting and twisting at the same time. Lets hope on monday the other doc is going to tell me I am just pre-diabetic and all thats needed is watching my diet. I feel so much more positive today. I think once I got all that negativity out by blogging the whole thing became clearer.<br />
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A friend has arranged for me to have a massage tomorrow, I am so looking forward to that.<br />
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Waking early this morning after a goods nights sleep I took advantage of watching the dawn, it was so peaceful and calming and I was able to start my day just how I like it. I even made my coffee and went back to bed to read for a while. I slobbed around for the morning without a care and focussed on myself. My son made a delicious dinner tonight from yesterdays left-overs (I have yet to go in the kitchen and see if he has made the usual mess) so now I can settle down to an evening in front of the tele and if there are any marshmallows left I will have them melting in my hot chocolate. I heard the rustle of the packet so I think my stash has been sprung.<br />
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I read my angel cards yesterday - no matter spread I did I kept getting the same cards over and over again. Stop trying to be in control, let things go, go with the flow, accept things, listen and learn etc etc etc. Okay okay I get the picture. I release my control.<br />
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JanBLOGGING IT OUT - another brick walltag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-05-28:2344239:BlogPost:215912009-05-28T04:43:50.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
I have been in so much pain the past few days. Something is wrong with my upper back, the docs don't know what is causing it, its not a typical back pain and its not in an area where they can say its a disc problem. It started as a dull ache occassionally just after my by-pass surgery, 20 months later it has developed overnight into a pain thats feels like red hot pokers beeing pushed through my back, it feels like something snapped. Had x-rays and blood tests this morning so hopefully the doc…
I have been in so much pain the past few days. Something is wrong with my upper back, the docs don't know what is causing it, its not a typical back pain and its not in an area where they can say its a disc problem. It started as a dull ache occassionally just after my by-pass surgery, 20 months later it has developed overnight into a pain thats feels like red hot pokers beeing pushed through my back, it feels like something snapped. Had x-rays and blood tests this morning so hopefully the doc can tell me something tomorrow. Luckily the heavy duty painkillers are doing their job. I tried EFT'ing and being positive but couldn't get in the right frame of mind. I had the Fasting Glucose Tolerance test and it doesn't look good, I couldn't see my own doc yesterday so had to see her hubby instead and he wouldn't tell me the results, he just frowned and moved his computer screen so I couldn't read what was on my notes. But the fact that she actually phoned me up and said she needed to see me has got me worried.<br />
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I am just getting so p'd off with myself for allowing all this illness in. Did I attract it, is it all the badness coming out of me after all the hard work on my spirituality and inner being. I never used to get ill. Have all these illnesses been waiting in line for a weak moment where they can pounce.<br />
I was happy with my life, I'd got to a stage where I could relax a bit. True, I have not been spending as much time on meditation and working through things - did I leave my guard down. Another theory is that I have always been too busy to be ill - wife, mother and carer - I couldn't be sick while all these people depended on me. Now I have all this me time, time to be me and do the things I want to and I get hit with all this.<br />
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There was a humerous side to all of this - the doc reminds me of a big kid, he gets very flustered as well. I had a fit of the giggles because he couldn't do up my underwear after he had examined my back, i couldn't do it because of the pain it caused, trust me to wear my oldest and daggiest underwear, the one with the broken clasp. Then this morning having the x-rays the technician forgot to put the plates in the machine, not once did he do it but twice and then when he did put it in he put it in backwards.<br />
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I picked up Louise L Hays - You Can heal your Life at a second hand book store, I already have the work book so I might just give that a go. I also have Shakti Gawains book and a couple more healing your life type books, perhaps I should re-immerse myself in all of this positivity . Though the way I am feeling its like I should just give up now. If I could lift my leg that high without causing damage to my back I would give myself a swift kick up the behind.<br />
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JanBLOGGING IT OUT - down in the dumpstag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-05-19:2344239:BlogPost:211922009-05-19T07:04:13.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
I hate being like this. Though it is happening less and less and I know how to deal with it, it really p's me off.<br />
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I nearly went off the road this morning, the tears came from nowhere as I was driving into town.<br />
Everything is toppling in on me. I just want to pack it all in - the new business, the house, etc etc.<br />
I can't even remember if I took my tablets this morning. So many people want a piece of me, I have to go here, I have to do that, someone needs something, my head is splitting, no…
I hate being like this. Though it is happening less and less and I know how to deal with it, it really p's me off.<br />
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I nearly went off the road this morning, the tears came from nowhere as I was driving into town.<br />
Everything is toppling in on me. I just want to pack it all in - the new business, the house, etc etc.<br />
I can't even remember if I took my tablets this morning. So many people want a piece of me, I have to go here, I have to do that, someone needs something, my head is splitting, no doubt my blood pressure is rising. I know this isn't going to last i know i should eft or meditate - I know it all, so why isn't it working. Why can't i just allow myself this time, maybe just to sit in solitude, read a book, relax. Even the dog makes demands of me, the garden too. Flowers wave in the wind demading to be watered, the lawn - hey hang on somebody mowed the lawn while I was out. Thats one job out of the way at least.<br />
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Okay I'm going to try and be grateful for a few things, it worked yesterday lets see if it will work today.<br />
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Being able to blog it out - it helps to just write it all down, it doesn't matter if it is not read. I've got it out of my system.<br />
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Grateful that I mustered up the energy to throw together dinner, lets hope its edible.<br />
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Grateful that there is one glass of wine left in the bottle - my treat for myself later in the evening.<br />
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See, its working.<br />
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Going to take a heavy duty painkiller soon, I'm allowed to take them occassionally and I try to steer away from them but the pain in my back and leg is getting worse so just this once I will take them.<br />
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Its nearly 5.00 p.m. and the sky is heavy, the weather definately has a nip in the air, its very autummy but I don't think there will be an amazing sunset like there has been the past two nights, I think tonight will be the flanny jami's and sheepkin slippers, maybe I won't have wine tonight - maybe I will have hot chocolate instead. Now thats a cheering thought - with marshmallows floated on top. Okay I am well and truly cheered up - going to dash out and get some drinking choclate powder and some marshmallows. Food does it every time, puts a smile on my face.<br />
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JanBLOGGING IT OUT - Hitting a Brick Walltag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-05-18:2344239:BlogPost:211212009-05-18T04:38:08.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Well thats what it feels like. After a visit to the doc for the results of my cholestrol test I am not as revved up about life as I was. My cholestrol has gone up significantly enough for the doc to put me back on to the higher dose Lipitor and she told me that my blood sugars are sky high, with all the family history and the itching skin and aching legs and the need to go pee every five minutes the chances are quite high that I have diabetes. It would explain a lot of things though, things…
Well thats what it feels like. After a visit to the doc for the results of my cholestrol test I am not as revved up about life as I was. My cholestrol has gone up significantly enough for the doc to put me back on to the higher dose Lipitor and she told me that my blood sugars are sky high, with all the family history and the itching skin and aching legs and the need to go pee every five minutes the chances are quite high that I have diabetes. It would explain a lot of things though, things that we were putting down to my heart problem. My blood sugars have always been okay, but we thought that with my cholestrol and blood pressure. I've always been healthy. Up until 19 months ago I hadn't seen a doctor for many years, in fact I didn't have a doctor. Its like all these things were put on hold whilst I raised my kids,cared for a sick hubby etc etc. Now the kids have flown the nest and I am on my own its bang bang bang, one thing after another.<br />
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I EFT, I think positive thoughts, I've worked through things. I am happy with who I am. I do not like being sick, I do not like to have to rely on people. I really really do not like thinking - whats next.<br />
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On the up side - let me think, can I think of one good thing that would cancel out everything else, what am I grateful for today.<br />
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I woke up this morning<br />
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I found great parking spots<br />
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I remembered everything I set out to do<br />
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I had a good chat with a friend<br />
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Its a beautiful day<br />
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I have enough money<br />
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I paid my first 'wage' cheque into the bank<br />
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The fridge is full<br />
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So life isn't so bad after all, if I do have diabetes, I'll just add it to the thyroid, heart, cholestrol problems, deal with it and then file it away. At least going to the docs gets me out of the house.<br />
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JanBLOGGIN IT OUT - Who fast forwarded my calendartag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-05-17:2344239:BlogPost:210832009-05-17T05:16:26.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Is it really the 17th May already. I feel like I have been fast forwarded at warp speed.<br />
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Okay where do I begin. Was offered the chance to clean next doors holiday home after guests and prepare it for other guests. Not regular work but they've recommended me to others and theres the chance of more jobs out at the Lake. It'll pay for my bad habit. It was tiring at first, but I can work my own hours when I want.<br />
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Took the plunge and went in with my friend in her new business. We opened the shop…
Is it really the 17th May already. I feel like I have been fast forwarded at warp speed.<br />
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Okay where do I begin. Was offered the chance to clean next doors holiday home after guests and prepare it for other guests. Not regular work but they've recommended me to others and theres the chance of more jobs out at the Lake. It'll pay for my bad habit. It was tiring at first, but I can work my own hours when I want.<br />
<br />
Took the plunge and went in with my friend in her new business. We opened the shop and while things are slow we are able to see which direction we want to go in. I decided that there would be no point in worrying, no point in 'what if-ing' . If the shop doesn't work out then we will hit the market trail, if that doesn't work then I will stick everything in Etsy. We've done a lot of brain-storming over names and direction and what stock to stock, had trips to the big city to buy in stuff and enjoyed ourselves in the bargain.<br />
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Little bit of doubt crept in, but it was soon banished. I have to be positive. What is the worst thing that can happen - do you know I can't think of one thing because a soon as a bad thought creeps in it is quickly changed to a positive one. Only good can come out of this.<br />
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I went to see a channeller the week before last - a strange but good experience. Met a whole heap of total strangers but was not my usual remote shy self, it was like we were all old friends. I was going to stay the night but realised just on dark that I had not got my heart pills so I jumped in the car and headed home down the mountain. Now I have had a fear of the dark for many years, and driving in the dark is a no no for me. I recently had past life healing which eleviated the fear somewhat but I had not driven in the dark. I had to drive through rainforest winding roads down a mountain. I had a couple of moments where I paniced (totally disorientated) but soon got the hang of it. I arrived home safe and sound and very very proud of myself.<br />
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Still a long way to go yet in my journey, I still have to deal with some family issues that affect me emotionally and leave me feeling jaded but now I have my bolt holes, a sanctuary I feel better.BLOGGING IT OUT - 26/4/09tag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-04-25:2344239:BlogPost:199612009-04-25T22:30:00.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Yesterday I embroidered nearly all day, timing myself for different designs. Making myself have breaks, pottering in the garden and checking out the puter. Even though I slept well last night I was up and down going to the loo, my dreams were strange - people from my past flitting in and out and everything was like it was in an arthouse movie. Normally my dreams are clear, vibrant and very lucid, these dreams were, well - dreamlike.<br />
Today feels like it will be a good day, the sky is blue and…
Yesterday I embroidered nearly all day, timing myself for different designs. Making myself have breaks, pottering in the garden and checking out the puter. Even though I slept well last night I was up and down going to the loo, my dreams were strange - people from my past flitting in and out and everything was like it was in an arthouse movie. Normally my dreams are clear, vibrant and very lucid, these dreams were, well - dreamlike.<br />
Today feels like it will be a good day, the sky is blue and the birds are singing their little hearts out. Since it was ANZAC Day yesterday the local market is being held today instead. I usually like the markets but recently have not gone to any, even the markets at all the little towns near by have been neglected by me. I find places with lots of people quite irritating at times. I just want to get in, get what I need and leave. I tend to do my grocery shopping at times when I know the store will be quiet. I know the markets will be busy, they are a tourist attraction now. Pretty soon the street outside my house will be double parked with cars. So working in my little room at the front of the house is off the menu this morning.<br />
I really did not feel like going out today, I can feel myself going into my hermit mode. My life seems to have got busy all of a sudden and I'm feeling the need for solitude again. A friend has just called and is coming over this arvy. This is good since I was going to drive out to her place. Now I can just relax knowing I don't have to rush around doing stuff.<br />
I started tapping again, I had not done it seriously for ages since I felt fine, and I had no issues to deal with that were major. Everything was copable. But I just read an issue of a tapping newsletter that says its best to tap even when things are going good. So yesterday I started seriously tapping again.<br />
Well so much for a quiet day, the family turned up en masse. They've all trooped off to the markets so I'm racing around tidying up, getting dressed and hiding all the breakables (2 year old grandaughter is a hurricane) . I'm going to sit for five minutes and tell myself how lucky I am to have them all and how grateful I am they turned up. I love my family, i am blessed to have my family.<br />
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Just discovered that rosehip tea helps the bladder, is a diuretic and helps with bladder infections.<br />
I had three cups yesterday so no wonder I can't stop going to the loo. Works far better than the dandelion and ginger tea I had been taking.<br />
You know, no matter what unfolds in this day I am going to savour every minute, it is a glorious day. I am going to sit down with my beautiful grand daughers and play. All those little things that niggle me - they're gone.<br />
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Rereading this blog, I can see how I like my solitude - I am alone but I am not lonely. I am blessed to have the friends that I have - not many but they are all precious. I am blessed to have my family - three strapping boys all grown to well adjusted, honest, caring men (though at times they can revert back to 5 year olds), a beautiful daughter in law. I am blessed to have people in my life I know I can trust and rely on. I am blessed to have a wonderful home, it might not be big or fancy but it is my sanctuary. I do have my bad days, days when even after two years of missing my partner I get a bit sad, days when things do overwhelm me and days when I worry about my health. But I have all the tools in place to combat these days.<br />
Family back from the markets.<br />
Well that went well, laughed at the antics of the two year old, she is such an old soul. Got an order for a baby set as well. So I'll definately have to get my act together. No slacking off now.<br />
The girls tidied up their mess, left the house tidier than it was before. I am not stressing out, I am calm.<br />
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JanBLOGGING IT OUT (THE FEAR, THE WORRIES, EVERYTHING THATS HOLDING ME BACK)tag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-04-24:2344239:BlogPost:199262009-04-24T22:25:43.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Last week I was all fired up, energy high and I was ready for the off. Then I doubted myself. A friend has roped me in to start a small business up, this is a new friend and the old fears of trust crept back in. Being let down, letting them down. Doing something i don't really feel comfortable with because I don't want to let them down. Going against my truth. Could I use my health as an excuse not to do something, whoa that thought has gone quickly out of the window, my health is good, I feel…
Last week I was all fired up, energy high and I was ready for the off. Then I doubted myself. A friend has roped me in to start a small business up, this is a new friend and the old fears of trust crept back in. Being let down, letting them down. Doing something i don't really feel comfortable with because I don't want to let them down. Going against my truth. Could I use my health as an excuse not to do something, whoa that thought has gone quickly out of the window, my health is good, I feel fine.<br />
I lie awake at night, every twinge and ache sets me off wondering if i will wake in the morning. That thought - gone. Don't want that thought around. I tap it all out frantically. Why am i self-sabataging again. I know my work is good, I know it sells. I know that if it fails and things do go wrong with my friend I am strong enough to be able to pick myself up and start again, I know that I will have learnt from it, I know that my passion for my craft has been fired up again, I know that I am a little further down my path and can go anywhere I want.<br />
So............why do I fear, why do I worry. Why am I angry at myself, why am I doubting myself, why do I feel I am not good enough, why do I feel like the underdog again, why the feeling of being judged.<br />
Why am I allowing the negative feelings of a close family member affect me again, why is his anger my problem. I yelled and swore at him yesterday, I lost my composure unable to keep my cool and let it go. I didn't feel ashamed as I would have done in the past, i blessed him and my anger and let it go. But I shouldn't have 'lost it' in the first place.<br />
I look at what I have just written, I know through my own hard work I have got quite a way down my healing path, the old me would have used every excuse in the book to get out of something. This new me is weighing everything up, the pro's and cons etc. I know now why I do and say things so I can deal with it. I know to let some things ride for a while and I know letting go of thoughts and fears and giving them up to the universe does help. Things become clearer, I know not to make myself ill with worry over something that might not even happen. But i also know I cannot go this alone, that I DO NEED OTHERS, I have to let people in.<br />
So I am going to blog it all out, by writing everything down as it comes into my mind I sometimes find my answers, it also helps me see how far i have come and the areas I have to work on.<br />
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Jan<br />
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PS: I wish I had a basement like Alexa - I really need to smash some things up and throw things around. I had a friend who used to save all her old glass milk bottles up and then go out and throw them against an outside wall, when I heard them smashing I knew she needed a shoulder so when the noise stopped I would be there with the coffee and chocolate.One small steptag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-01-12:2344239:BlogPost:114542009-01-12T21:34:16.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
One small step each day....wow at this rate I'll be there in no time (where ever THERE is).<br />
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Yes Eric, it is hard to say no and I did become an emotional wreck because I always put myself forward to help - fear of what others might say if I didn't, fear of being thought a bad person if i didn't. At one stage I felt like i was a personal therapist to a few people.They emotionally drained me and physicaly I was a wreck because I was so tired trying to be all things to all people. I suppose this…
One small step each day....wow at this rate I'll be there in no time (where ever THERE is).<br />
<br />
Yes Eric, it is hard to say no and I did become an emotional wreck because I always put myself forward to help - fear of what others might say if I didn't, fear of being thought a bad person if i didn't. At one stage I felt like i was a personal therapist to a few people.They emotionally drained me and physicaly I was a wreck because I was so tired trying to be all things to all people. I suppose this carried over from my past lives because I had let people down and now I was trying to make up for it in this life. So when we settled here in this new life we had made for ourselves I decided I would be choosy, not get too involved and stay on the side lines. It worked for a while, in the end I felt I had to cut myself off fom everyone.<br />
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Last night I had a strange dream - I was in a house with a lot of women, we were gathered for something, the atmosphere was upbeat, we were all laughing and having a good time, each woman had this amazing personal trait - strength, honesty, fearlessnessness, compassion etc etc. Then a lawyer brought a baby and gave her to me. This baby, like all babies in my dreams, could talk despite being a tiny little thing. I knew she was a special baby, sacred. In turn she was passed around the women. Then we all had to leave to go to court to see what was going to happen to this baby. all the women piled into this little car, I handed them the baby and said I had forgotten something and would meet them there. They left and I turned to get back into the house and I was locked out, I couldn't get back in. I turned around and I was all on my own, the street was quiet, there were no neighbours, no cars on the road and I realised I didn't know where they had gone. So i sat on the step and waited for them to come back, I didn't feel bad that I had been left behind, I somehow knew that I wasn't meant to be there. I dozed off on the step and thats when I woke up.<br />
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JanTeeny, tiny step forwardtag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-01-11:2344239:BlogPost:112222009-01-11T22:23:15.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Each day seems to bring new revelations about my self. I had the realisation why I don't get involved anymore. I don't join groups and I don't volunteer for anything. That way I can't let anyone down. I will help people out if they need and I can see they need help. In the past I went out of my way to help people, too much so, my family life suffered and so did my health. Now, Other than my family I don't like to have people rely on me. I have baggage from past lives that involves me feeling…
Each day seems to bring new revelations about my self. I had the realisation why I don't get involved anymore. I don't join groups and I don't volunteer for anything. That way I can't let anyone down. I will help people out if they need and I can see they need help. In the past I went out of my way to help people, too much so, my family life suffered and so did my health. Now, Other than my family I don't like to have people rely on me. I have baggage from past lives that involves me feeling bad about letting people down. I also hate asking for help from anybody, though the past two years have seen a change there. So now I have something to work with, its only a small part of the problem but its one step closer to healing.<br />
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Jananother step forwardtag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2009-01-09:2344239:BlogPost:109822009-01-09T23:13:35.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
People, events, words, inspiration - all these have been put in my path recently. After events got on top of me and I allowed the emotions to take over - I had a realisation. A wonderful friend in the US sent me an email, in replying it opened up a realisation about grief. I have taken another step forward in healing. My own awakening spirituality is moving forward, my impatience had stopped it, rather than just being quiet with myself and just 'being' I had tried to force things, to rush them,…
People, events, words, inspiration - all these have been put in my path recently. After events got on top of me and I allowed the emotions to take over - I had a realisation. A wonderful friend in the US sent me an email, in replying it opened up a realisation about grief. I have taken another step forward in healing. My own awakening spirituality is moving forward, my impatience had stopped it, rather than just being quiet with myself and just 'being' I had tried to force things, to rush them, not stopping to smell the roses. Trying to take giant steps instead of baby ones. I need to rest and relax both body and soul. I now know its okay to grieve for a future that is not to be, will never be and I can let that grief go now. I have a new future now. The future for me is the next moment, and the next moment after that and so on. I am wiser now than when I first started to write this blog, I am wiser than I was 30 mins ago when I replied to my friends email. I have opened up my mind to the possibilities of what can be.<br />
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Blessing to all<br />
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Jandawn of a new yeartag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2008-12-30:2344239:BlogPost:95132008-12-30T00:14:44.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
This past year I have been getting back on my feet after by-pass surgery, the year before was spent getting back on my feet after losing my beloved, the past 10 years were spent as a carer and just getting by. All the time I was learning things, gathering information, working slowly on my spirituality. Now in this new year that is soon to dawn I will be able to use all that I have learnt, use all the information I have been gathering. I can finally heal myself of all hurts, move forward at…
This past year I have been getting back on my feet after by-pass surgery, the year before was spent getting back on my feet after losing my beloved, the past 10 years were spent as a carer and just getting by. All the time I was learning things, gathering information, working slowly on my spirituality. Now in this new year that is soon to dawn I will be able to use all that I have learnt, use all the information I have been gathering. I can finally heal myself of all hurts, move forward at last.<br />
I can finally become the person I want to be. I am so looking forward to the first of January, more than I ever have of any new year. This is going to be truly a year of new beginnings. I will celebrate by myself as the new year opens, it is private, it is my own celebration and I will give thanks for the past few years, the experiences, the joys and the sadnesses and I will move forward with my arms outstretched welcoming in abundance.<br />
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Love, light and lots of hugs<br />
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Jananniversarytag:awakenedrecovery.ning.com,2008-12-01:2344239:BlogPost:48882008-12-01T07:34:38.000Zsearcherhttp://awakenedrecovery.ning.com/profile/searcher
Today (1st December) is the 2nd anniversary of my beloveds passing. The phone did not stop ringing with reli's wanting to know how I was managing. They all thought I would be out doing stuff. What does one do at this sort of anniversay - hardly throw a party.<br />
I listened to music we liked and pottered around the house, I spoke on the phone with my sister/friend and we laughed and had fun. A dear friend turned up with flowers and a card that said she was proud of me for getting this far and…
Today (1st December) is the 2nd anniversary of my beloveds passing. The phone did not stop ringing with reli's wanting to know how I was managing. They all thought I would be out doing stuff. What does one do at this sort of anniversay - hardly throw a party.<br />
I listened to music we liked and pottered around the house, I spoke on the phone with my sister/friend and we laughed and had fun. A dear friend turned up with flowers and a card that said she was proud of me for getting this far and wished me love. My sons phoned to make sure I was okay, it was their loss as well but they were more concerned for me.<br />
The day has been gentle, I put no pressure on myself, I allowed myself a brief cry over a sad song that brought back memories and then sang along as loud as possible to all the golden oldies we loved.<br />
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Jan