Eyes On Gratitude

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on December 30, 2008 at 4:37am

Starting with my Mum, she is no longer here with me today, and I feel this heaviness in my heart, the heaviness is caused by loss, by yearning, by missing.
If I look into myself, I find a band aide. A sticky piece of tatty band aide, that is lovingly holding my heart together.

Mum if I could ask you a question today it would be, that if dreams are nothing more than wishes and a wish is just a dream we wish to come true, then why aren’t you here with me now. I dream it every night; I wish it every waking moment of the day.
You take pride of place in my gratitude journey.

You know, Little things happen and I think ‘I must tell Mum’ and then I remember that you are on a journey of your own, and I will just have to wait until I see you again.

On that day Mum, we will have a lot of catching up to do; I have so much to tell you.
I want to share about Jesse and how far he has come in his studies, he makes me so proud and I know you would beam too. I want to make you laugh about the growing antics of Karaitiana; he is so funny and so on to it for 4, and to share the lives and loves of the others. I want to relate all the comings and goings of all those people you loved, I also want to sit and share stories about our past…
How loved you made me feel, of how proud I am of the way you lived your life and finally took your last step.
You had troubles and sadness; you had confusion and betrayal in your life, states that are common for most of us. Sadly, with you “healing” of the past was something a bit beyond the realm of acceptance, so sadly, there was not a lot of healing from your own tumultuous past.
But inspite of all that, you did so well, you gave so much of yourself, so much love ... and although you didnt fully understand the "healing" process, you gave me so much strength through mine. You supported and encouraged me, you let me vent, you were always on my side, you got angry with me and cried with me, you asked for forgiveness that you did not own, it was not your fault Mum, you were there for me every step of the way and I am forever grateful that you were, are still, my Mother.

You lived to see one of us walk in the door, you breathed to hear one of us on the end of the telephone, you beamed to see us smile, you loved to be a part of our lives no matter how minuscule that time might have been. You taught us how to hold our family together, we had no idea that we were in training for your departure. But, today, we are all close, we are all sharing, we are all holding fast to your words “be the best you can be at whatever it is that you want to be, but remember to breathe, remember to love and remember to support each other”

You are the most important person to me and I miss you so much, my Mother, my friend. I only pray that you knew how much you were loved, respected, trusted, needed,appreciated and would be missed.

I am a part of you – and you a part of me – forever and eternity.

Thank you Mum

Irene Betty O'Carroll - 1937 - 2004

By the way, we are all taking good care of Dad, so don't you worry about him now....

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on December 30, 2008 at 4:38am

My eyes of gratitude are on my little brother Joby.

He is a driving force in my life, a love that is just ‘a given’ nothing that I have to think about or question.

I just KNOW he is there for me and shares his caring in the best ways he knows how.
He is a ‘man’s man’ so when he does something like take the time to write me a birthday poem, which he said took him months *whispers* and didn’t even rhythm…
I know that he has put all his heart and soul into the words that were fashioned together to create a circle of love and appreciation.
so, this week my brother, and also because its his Birthday, my eyes of gratitude are fixed firmly on him.

I will never forget how much you helped me when my life was in utter turmoil, how much you came around and did whatever I needed to be done in order to find me help and healing, and how you kept all my secrets and business to yourself, even to this very day.
Your support was paramount in my healing.
I will never forget how much you helped me raise my children when I was on my own and how they were able to look up to you and come to you when they needed encouragement, help, support and pocket money.(and still do to this very day )

I will never forget your kindest words and how proud you have made me to be a part of you and your life.

My little brother...12 years difference in our ages, 12 years without you, how lonely those 12 years were without you….

[note] the sites in this movie are from our home in New Zealand

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Permalink Reply by 09isMine on December 30, 2008 at 5:11am

I was reminded this week (when I watched a movie, no less) on my car mechanic, Bob in Seattle.

It was in no small part due to Bob that I could be a working student. He kept my 77 Dodge Aspen running and running. I'm pretty sure he under-charged me many times. He also took the time and managed to get used parts for that old car! Most of the time I was so sick with worry that I probably didn't express my gratefulness nearly enough.

Without my car my life would not have worked. I don't know what I would have done without Bob. So I'm grateful for Bob and wish him well.

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Permalink Reply by Bridget Ann Orman on December 30, 2008 at 7:05am

dear mum dad i know you are watching over us i would just like you to know that the help yoiu gave me with nick when he was tiny is still so much apreciated with your help and guidence he has grown into a beautiful young man. He has worked hard graduated and got himself a good job which he enjoys. He has a reliable car he has bught himself and now has just set up home with his partner to begin a new life. without your love andunderstanding i feel sure we would not be on the paths we tread right now

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on December 30, 2008 at 3:46pm

09isMine said:

So I'm grateful for Bob and wish him well.

Way to go Bob!!

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on December 30, 2008 at 3:49pm

Bridget Ann Orman said:

dear mum dad without your love and understanding i feel sure we would not be on the paths we tread right now

Thank you for sharing this special tribute with us. Blessings to you, your husband, Nick and your loved ones...

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on December 31, 2008 at 3:49pm

As I enter this new year my eyes on gratitude fall on my baby son Jesse, he’s 19 now, and ohhhh do they grow fast…

Oh my, were would I start to tell you what you have meant to me Jesse?

My life was in the process of falling apart
and through some miraculous intervention you arrived.
If I had ever doubted God before, I would never doubt again.
He sent you to save me.

He knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it through life on my own, he looked down and saw a heart bleeding and said to himself,
“this is not right to be in so much turmoil, to be surrounded by chaos and have a life so messy, I will heal this woman, Angel? Send her Jesse”.

...and from the moment you arrived I loved you with every beat of my heart.

I don’t know if the others (Your brothers and sister) truly understand our bound. It’s not a case of loving any one of you more than another, its not… because I don’t… It’s a case of timing, of what was happening in our lives, of people making choices to move on, of leaving and of who was being left behind.
But that is life, that is the natural progression of wanting to try out your wing span and there’s nothing wrong with that.
But we, you and I my darling, were left behind.

And for a long time there was only us.
You and me,
you were my lifeline, you were my reason for not giving up, you were the reason I still kept going, the answer to my prayers from up above.
You had to be so strong, because you had to look after me, to hold me up, to bring me up, it was such a big job for such a little person, but you did it so well, with so much love and understanding, so much dignity and strength.
Without you, I don’t know where I would be today.
When I need love I look for you, when I need strength, I look for you, when I need support, I look for you, when I need understanding, I look for you, when I need a heartwarming laugh, I look for you …. and there you are, always ready, always waiting, always there.


...and the people you bring into your life, you add into mine, so that they too know that when Mum needs me, we all go, OK?


How do I thank you, I will never forget what you have done for me, You held me up till I found my own wings to fly, till I found my own feet to stand tall, till I grew my own confidence to make a life that works and blesses me, you gave me love that filled in the spaces until I was strong enough to find my own love and through all this, you grew, you grew strong and fine and confident and mature.
I will love you as long as I live and beyond.

my darling Jesse, I so appreciate you and am forever grateful to know you.

The Man You've Become sung by Molly Pasutti

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on January 3, 2009 at 8:56pm

My one and only amazing daughter turned 32 yesterday 3/1/2009 or as they write it in America 1/3/2009

Ebony

In this life we have many blessings, life itself is the first. In this life we get to receive joy and graciously give it. In this life as I have walked it, close to the curb at times, I have made a very important discovery about me and that is, that in my life - I need you.
You take my side whether I need you to or not, you rally to all my causes.
You believe in me and trust in me, some times more than I do in myself.
Your smile makes me smile, with love, with rejoice, with pride
Your stern look when you are not amused at something I have said or done
Always turns into laughter, as we realise how similar we are.
You told me two things I shell always be grateful for, that you loved your name and you had a happy childhood, no make that three, that you also loved me.

You have been there for me through good times and bad, you have supported me and taught me much about the world and myself.
You are unconditional love my sweetheart and remember from here into eternity, how I will always feel, if there were words that could mean more than I love you,
I would whisper them to you.

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on February 27, 2009 at 2:14pm

Getting back into finding gratitude in my life every day...Focusing on gratitude always helps to bring me back into line.

Today, I want to express gratitude for my grandson Karaitiana Bruce Manaaki
He brings such a joy to my life and I thank God every day for allowing this little angel to come into our family.

He is intelligent, he is funny, he is witty, he is bilingual, he is energy, he is beautiful, he is caring, he is sharing, he is respectful, he is culture savvy, he is sports mad, he is friendly, he is polite, and he is nearly 5 years old. He's an Aries baby, full of fire and purpose. All he wants to be, so far, when he grows up, is bigger and I feel justified in truth when I can promise him that.
He loves music, singing and animals, he loves that damn wrestling on TV. He love - loves his family and He loves showing off and he’s pretty good at it.
He is definetly his fathers son, I asked him what he wanted me to bring into him on my visit and his reply was "Money".

He adds such value to my life and looking at him always makes me thankful for any choice that I may have made in my life that lead to his being on earth....

When I think of my legacy, I am proud to add little Karaitiana to being part of my purpose for life and living. I have no idea how to describe the way I feel about this little guy.
The words haven’t been invented yet…

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Permalink Reply by firstlove on February 27, 2009 at 2:18pm

I guess you have noticed that it is people who are at the tip of my gratitude list.
And today as I encompass all the people that I love and have affection for, I want to share my baby’s first rugby game.

A small story with this one,
Karaitiana rang one Saturday morning and asked if I could go to his rugby match,
[not the game in the movie]
Ok I agreed, and we arrived probably mid game.
There was a sea of little people across the rugby fields from all the provinces playing rugby against each other, I asked Jhobz if she could see Karaitiana. Finally, we spotted the blonde curls (and for real, you can’t miss these curls) we headed over towards his team and as they went running past us Jhobz yells out “Bubba! Bubba!” and they ALL stopped and turned around and looked at us. I said to Jhobz “they are all 4, they are all bubbas” and then Karaitiana ran pass close to us and said, “my coach is going to be angry at you”

Fuk we laughed and when the game was over he proudly trotted over and told me that it was $5 a try, I said, “that’s strange, do they charge you $5 a try?” and he said, “NO! I charge you $5 a try”
I told him his Dad was a lot cheaper when he got tries and I wasn’t coming to anymore games.
“Fine” he said “but I got 3 tries”

I have been asked if his name has a European translation and yes it does.
Karaitiana means Christian pronounced , car-right-ee-are-na
Manaaki means cherish pronouced, mun-are-key.


Thank you for allowing me to share

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