1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept
your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all
of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything
removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed
certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange
for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can
let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach
someone else your job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the
washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in
alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with
"A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable
to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do

7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.



Views: 19

Replies to This Discussion

Dear Staff

It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training.
Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch.

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late.
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole.

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the
given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues.
Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.


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